a dark night of the soul 515-1 - 3 - 6

I went through a dark night of the soul several years ago, to me like drowning in depression and being unable to quickly pull myself of it. Growing up my mother was my hero, however, as she got older she became a master of the guilt trip. I knew she would like nothing better than for me to move in with her in southern California/ modern day Sodom. For years wherever someone was needed to stay with mom 24/7 it turned out to be me. I loved mom but I disliked Southern California, home to atheists, agnostics, Satan worshipers, New Agers and false teachers.

While waiting for the other shoe to hit the floor I was enjoying a good life with wonderful Church and Bible study friends. I spent winters in my Arizona home and summers in Michigan close to family and friends. Then the shoe hit the floor and southern California called.

I was now looking at living at my mom’s place for as long as she could remain at home and my health would hold up. Her long-time care-giver continued coming in twice a week so that was a big help. Various family members gave me “Atta girls” when a little help with mom would have been far more appreciated than empty platitudes. Add to that my brother had his own health problems so no help there.

I went through a period of depression unusual for me. I prayed that I wouldn’t wake in the morning, something I never shared before with anyone other than God. Usually I can talk myself into a positive outlook and I slowly came out of my depression. The hardest part was that I had to put on a happy face when I felt like I was dying inside.

Koinonia Institute became a life-line for me. In 2012 I wrote a reply to the DQ “What is Compartmentalism and how does it work? What is the main problem with it?”

Part of my answer was, “And then there's the compartment in my life called family duty. In January of this year I gave up a fulfilling life to come and help care for my mother for an indefinite period of time. In the family duty compartment of my life I'm very conflicted between love and duty to my mother and wanting my own life back. I have to manage a positive attitude for my mother. On one hand I'm less than happy and on the other I feel very guilty for being unhappy. I suspect that this is having an adverse effect on my health. I passed the Biblical age of threescore and 10 last year and I’m a polio survivor for 65 years.”

Thankfully my mom was getting stronger every day, however, then in my early 70s my health was getting worse. Earlier I had elevated blood pressure but it climbed to where my doctor told me I was a stroke waiting to happen. Type II Diabetes finally caught up with me as did family eye disease. After a year and a half of caring for mom that last time, my cousin took over mom’s care and I returned to my Arizona home. I returned to help with mom a few times but thanks to my cousin I could return home to Arizona.